I would come home from school and watch TV or play around online until dad got home.
one day he came home after I was online and ripped the phone cable out of the wall and whipped me with it until I was bleeding. why? because he tried to call home and ask if I wanted anything for dinner. I got the whipping for dinner.
I was 12.
from ages 13-19 I had elaborate plans of how I would kill him and get away with it. every time he would scream at me, every time he would beat me, I would imagine what it would feel like to cut off his arms and legs while he was alive.
at 20 I left home. I’m much better now and don’t have such dark thoughts anymore.
he told me years later that he was afraid of me because of the blank look I gave him. I told him he had every reason to be afraid with the same dead eyes and left it at that.
I learned so many life skills during that time in my life, and honestly can say in an emergency scenario I have no barriers to killing someone. I also do well in emergencies and keep a level head because of the years of physical and mental trauma.
interestingly enough I’ve used my “stare” at work in an office environment when a manager was threatening my job based on interoffice politics. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him I don’t play games like him. If I want something done, I’ll do it myself. Then casually asked him what kind of milage he gets on his car. Dude was spooked and left me alone lol.
my point is, trauma can be a strength that can be drawn from like a well if you’re in need of it.
when someone threatens my way of life for their own gain, it’s not just an attack on me but my family.
if someone is willing to use fear as a tool they better be ready to have it used against themselves. I understand that, and I hope they learned the same that day.
I work well with others and try my best to work with anyone, but I’ll be damned to sit back and allow someone to walk all over me.
I would come home from school and watch TV or play around online until dad got home.
one day he came home after I was online and ripped the phone cable out of the wall and whipped me with it until I was bleeding. why? because he tried to call home and ask if I wanted anything for dinner. I got the whipping for dinner.
I was 12.
from ages 13-19 I had elaborate plans of how I would kill him and get away with it. every time he would scream at me, every time he would beat me, I would imagine what it would feel like to cut off his arms and legs while he was alive.
at 20 I left home. I’m much better now and don’t have such dark thoughts anymore.
he told me years later that he was afraid of me because of the blank look I gave him. I told him he had every reason to be afraid with the same dead eyes and left it at that.
I learned so many life skills during that time in my life, and honestly can say in an emergency scenario I have no barriers to killing someone. I also do well in emergencies and keep a level head because of the years of physical and mental trauma.
interestingly enough I’ve used my “stare” at work in an office environment when a manager was threatening my job based on interoffice politics. I looked him dead in the eyes and told him I don’t play games like him. If I want something done, I’ll do it myself. Then casually asked him what kind of milage he gets on his car. Dude was spooked and left me alone lol.
my point is, trauma can be a strength that can be drawn from like a well if you’re in need of it.
I mean this with all the compassion of a father/mother/friend/aunt/uncle/grandparent/priest/rabbi, but this is not something to gloat about my dude.
when someone threatens my way of life for their own gain, it’s not just an attack on me but my family.
if someone is willing to use fear as a tool they better be ready to have it used against themselves. I understand that, and I hope they learned the same that day.
I work well with others and try my best to work with anyone, but I’ll be damned to sit back and allow someone to walk all over me.
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