Well, let’s see… At my school, smoking was bad. I started smoking. My school taught us that drinking alcohol was very bad. I started drinking with my friends. We learned at school that the USSR was going to attack us with nukes at any moment. So I started doing an annoying impersonation of Boris and Natascha every time we had a “hide under your desk drill” that was quite entertaining. We were warned in social studies class about the dangers of using fireworks and cherry bombs. My friends and I were on the constant hunt of old cherry bombs. Ronald Reagan’s administration started a physical fitness program that gave awards to kids that passed a certain test in gym glass. A lot of us didn’t try hard on purpose because it looked silly and many of us, to our shock, still won the award because it was too easy. So, perhaps the schools are creating a whole new generation of super pirates. Some of those kids probably don’t even know what pirating is. They’ll find out now. And don’t forget, boys and girls, ketchup is a vegetable. If ketchup is a vegetable, relish is, too. So make sure you eat up all your relish we give you at lunch time, with some ketchup on top.