There’s no freedom in having to do something but you’re also not free to choose your wants.
Maybe it’s better to just live and let life happen instead of thinking about what could’ve been. What ever happened is the only thing that could’ve happened.
That description of your process reminds me of this video on consciousness, and how the creator describes how he has no inner monolog, or even conscious thought of some of his actions, and instead it’s like a black box that he can query. Is your experience similar to that?