Pfft Mr Money Bags over here…
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“Going through a mental crisis” doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re treating your friends like shit. If you treat your friends like shit, and that drives them away, whose fault is that?
There are, of course, exceptions, but those have to be people whom I care for and love very, very much. And even then, if the toxicity is too damaging to my own mental health, I have to cut them off for my own good. At the end of the day, all human relations rely on a cost/benefit analysis. If I’m losing more than I’m gaining from this relationship, why should I continue it?
I also don’t think you’re doing that person any favors by ignoring their bad behavior.
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Would you really maintain a relationship with somebody who made you unhappy? Somebody who abused you? Somebody who didn’t respect you? And if so, why?
People can help people, yet lately they only think of themselves.
Why “lately”?
It’s not only thinking of yourself. It’s thinking about yourself and the people who aren’t fucking you up. If somebody has a history of toxic behavior, then you have to take that into account. If you let that affect you, you’re A) harming yourself and B) are less able to help the people who actually do love you and respect you.
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Abuse doesn’t have to be physical, though. It can also be emotional.
I’m not saying to drop your friends and family at the first signs of negativity. There are people, though, who are not good for you, and nothing you can do can change that. The sooner you figure out who those people are and get them out of your life, the better.
My friends are not MEANT to make me happy. They are meant to be there when I’m unhappy.
What if they make you feel worse when you’re unhappy?
I mean, it looks like we agree that friends should, if not make you happy, at least make your life better in some way. I’m talking about the people who are making your life worse.
Sometimes they’ll have to “make me unhappy” to make me realize my mistakes. That’s what friendship is all about.
What if you don’t agree that they’re mistakes?
I totally agree with your whole position. This isn’t a score keeping exercise. When you spend time with someone, you should feel happy. Not necessarily all the time, but you shouldn’t feel drained, angry, sad, anxious, or self conscious the majority of the time. A significant part of your mental health comes from what you do and who you are with. People need to learn what they can handle and set healthy boundaries. I’ve cut out significant people from my life, people who made no effort to contribute to my happiness because they were only focused on their own for YEARS. I don’t have time for that. I’m glad I learned this in my younger years.
Yeah, this
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At the end of the day, all human relations rely on a cost/benefit analysis. If I’m losing more than I’m gaining from this relationship, why should I continue it?
Textbook description of narcissism.
Relationships are like bank accounts. If there is an imbalance there is going to hard feelings from one side. Accepting a bad deal leads to someone being a victim or worst forcing others to suffer by choices they didn’t make. It’s not narcissistic to leave a cheating/inattentive partner.
It’s not narcissistic to leave a cheating/inattentive partner.
No, it’s not.
Relationships are like bank accounts… Accepting a bad deal…
But that is.
Not seeing a difference. Relationships are give and take. Keep in mind equal value can mean anything to anybody. There is no look at my chart and this applies to everyone. Example: If a parent is not feeding, proving finances, good company, and is not even good for emotional support why bother? All they are doing is sandbagging you. Proving nothing of value is not balancing the books especially if your life is better without them.
Just because I want to die doesn’t mean I should drag friends and family down with me
Stressing them the hell out about my well-being just makes life worse for them and piles guilt on me
If/when I do kill myself I want none of them to know it was acutely that bad because then no one can blame themselves for not doing anything to stop it
Letting anyone that close to me would purely be doing them a massive disservice
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Yeah, I know my view of reality isn’t accurate. Doesn’t make things easier to handle but it’s why I’m still handling them. At the worst of times I’m just living for the sake of other people which while it keeps me here can also be really frustrating – it’s like other people are holding themselves hostage against my nonexistence. I do talk about it with some friends that are already that close. I honestly kind of credit one of them with saving my life in June, though she doesn’t know it. It just feels like life keeps pulling blocks from the jenga tower that I am and there’s not many left before I collapse.
Sorry for laying this on you.
Before anyone comes along telling me I should get professional help, I have. I’m in therapy and on antidepressants. Antidepressants help but they’re like health regen, if I get chunked I still have to deal with being low on health for a while. And therapy… It helped and is helping but the last five months have been so so terrible it’s undone all the progress I made and I’m struggling to not give up. I see the thinking patterns that are wrong and where how I feel differs from the reality of my situation but it takes so much effort to break out of those patterns and I’m struggling to care enough to try. All the help in the world can’t change your thoughts and perceptions for you.
I do try to keep myself safe. I deliberately have avoided setting anything up that I could use to send notes on a delay and have avoided setting up/working on/looking into/sourcing parts for the method I would use, so when it gets that bad it forces me to take a lot of time and effort and buys me time for things to improve a bit. I’m just worried that someday it’ll be so bad I won’t care about a painless method or leaving without saying goodbye to the people who care about me. I think it’s probably inevitable, but that’s a self fulfilling prophecy and one of those feelings that I know isn’t accurate, though that doesn’t make it any easier to handle.
I just keep editing this comment trying to make it more positive and it keeps backfiring, sorry.
On the bright side, things can’t get too much worse. I quit my job so it’s no longer triggering depressive crashes and there’s not too many more unexpected expenses left that could happen. I already have had to replace my phone and car since I quit and both the cost of insurance and the cost of therapy are doubling. My grandmother’s died too since I’ve quit. So, there’s not really anything left to make things much worse! Well, getting horribly sick or injured before new insurance kicks in but not going anywhere or doing anything makes injury and illness extremely unlikely. So, things should be pretty stable for the immediate future. I might even see friends in person again for the first time in months!
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This is good!
healthy boundaries are a secret weapon in securing and keeping happy relationships.
If you don’t want to handle people at their worst don’t have kids!
ETA since apparently people have no sense of humor and/or no kids: when you have kids there are lots of times that they are at their worst. It’s part of being baby/toddler/children. When they are tired they can have absolute meltdowns. And you have to deal with them, because they are your children and you as a parent have to teach them how to deal with those emotions.
So yeah, kids are little sociopaths that are also absolutely lovely. Don’t want to deal with professional liars and manipulators with also zero remorse, don’t have kids.
I’ll have you know I am much worse than a child!
I don’t doubt that, I’m pretty sure you’re old enough that now not even your parents have to deal with you 😝 (Just kidding riding the joke of course, no offense meant)
I find that the people who talk the most about toxicity and boundaries are the most toxic people who don’t respect boundaries.
the more time goes by, the less of it i’m willing to compromise putting up with bullshit. every breath you take is one breath closer to your last
